2017

*blows dust off blog*

This has been calling me for some time.  
I have neglected the call.

My mind pushes me to go farther, dig deeper, put it all the way down.
Sometimes I just cannot do it.
I fear the backlash.
I fear what may happen if I unleash what I have been through.

This is just the beginning.

Here we are, 2.5 months into 2017.  I have been on a roller coaster ride that more hills and valleys than most.  I have to admit that I am struggling this semester more than last semester.  I need to stay focused to attain the goal that I have for myself.  I can't stop now.  I have to push forward.

I read this on a post early this morning.  I tweaked it to fit me.  Thanks Chrissy!

April 1, 2012: 

When I woke up this morning I thanked GOD for letting me wake up by saying “Thank you GOD for letting me wake up and then I gave him two thumbs up and some snaps. After that I decided that I would stop adjusting who and what I am according to who I am around, whether they are male or female, but especially MALE. So here goes:

1.I am not a cook, I do enough to survive. If that makes a guy not want to talk to me, OH WELL so be it.

2.I am a fun-sized BIG GIRL. If this makes a guy not want to talk to me OH WELL so be it.

3.I hold grudges like a typical Aries, but I am SERIOUSLY working on changing that because that shit is detrimental to you physically and mentally.

4.I can’t stand my job, but I am thankful to have it. I am in the process of reviving my photography business back and revamping my wedding/event planning business, so I can fulfill my dream of being an entrepreneur. 

5.I don’t like housework, but I WILL clean up my apartment because that shit is just nasty not to.

6.I don’t care for men who have roommates or live with relatives. I know times are hard, but that doesn’t mean I have to be okay with that. If that means I’m not a REAL woman to a guy, OH WELL so be it.

7.A SINGLE Man means one who is not in a long distance relationship, Married or legally separated, or in a relationship but you don’t live in the same house. If this is you in any way KEEP IT MOVING.

8.I can’t stand arrogant, egotistical people. I have been guilty of being this way at times.  If my ego needs deflating, then I KNOW yours need the same thing.

9.I bounce between being introverted and extroverted; it's due to my comfort level around people.

10.I like sex and if I decide to volunteer my kittykay (yes I call my p*ssy kittykat) to a guy, CONDOMS will be CONSTANTLY and CONSISTENTLY used.

11. I think one of the main reasons women have an extremely difficult time getting along with each other is because we have huge egos and are in CONSTANT competition with each other, even when we say that the above is NOT true.

12.I don’t like when women think they are better than the next woman because of more money, more success, more education etc. etc. To these women I say: Bitch, you were once a snot nosed little kid your damn self, so please GET OVER YOURSELF.

13.Successful women should want to mentor to other women for free sometime, there is nothing wrong with that. Guess what if you are already successful doing so won’t take away from that, it will enhance it.

14.I have done wrong to people and wrong has been done to me. This is why I believe 100% in KARMA. What you do comes back on YOU.

15.I have self-esteem issues I am working on. But motherfucka, don’t get it twisted, this does not mean I will put up with bullshit of ANY KIND, in fact my bullshit detactor has recently been re-wired, so come CORRECT or not at all. I quickly dismiss bullshit.

16.When I say to a guy “Send me a picture” of yourself, I DO NOT want to see your d*ck. If I want to see your d*ck I will ask to see it.  Better yet, I will take the picture myself.

17.I will only date men who have a permanent full-time job, or a legal hustle and their own place, and at least a VALID driver’s license. If this is not you please keep it MOVING

18.I am not a church goer, but I do believe in GOD, which means I am spiritual and NOT religious. There is a difference.

19.I watch PORN, I like to drink but don’t need a twelve step program.  

20.I believe in educating yourself early. If you are a young person and have no serious obligations, take your ass to school and make something of yourself.

21.EVERYDAY I am working more and more on speaking my MIND

22.I am a sapiosexual, and somewhat of a geek.  I do love football and understand the game quite well.  If you are a guy and this scares you, please keep it MOVING.

23.I have an 18 year-old son who is in college, who has autism. I love him to fucking INFINITY.

24.I have traits of the classic Aries.  I am not a hard person to get along with, once a person truly gets to know me. If a person chooses not to stick around to find that out, OH WELL FUCK EM.

Things will be added to this list.  That is ALL for NOW. PEACE.

2011 is gone, 2012 will be here

In 2011, I have had my share of ups and downs.  I have been down and out.  People have wrote and talked about me.  At one point I felt lost and out of place around my family, and even some of my friends.  

But Dear God, I'm here!

This year has taught me a lot of things, and I was both humbled and grateful.   I accept everything that happened to me in 2011, and have no regrets about it.  There is a reason that I went through the burning sands in 2011.  The struggle is going to make me stronger.  The changes will be coming in 2012.  A fresh start awaits me.  A new day has begun.   I have learned more about me this year than any other year in my years on this side of the dirt.  This year, I have learned what made me tick, and learned to stop holding my tongue (like I ever stopped in the first place).   

I stopped doing New Years Resolutions a long time ago because I will always be broken by the time my birthday comes around in April.  I have my lifemap posted to my wall, and every goal marked off.  Things that I did not complete in 2011 will be done this year.  I have a dream to be my own boss, and that will take fruition this year.  


(ame futte chi katamaru) Literally: after the rain, earth hardens 
This means: Adversity builds character./After a storm, things will stand on more solid ground than they did before.

This year, 2011, was my season of rain.  In 2012 my earth will harden under my feet and I will be standing on solid ground.  If you loved me, I loved you.  If I was your friend or family, then I will continue to be the same person.   If you talked about me, good or bad, I see it as free publicity.  If you hated me, you probably didn't understand me or didn't take the time out to get to know me. 

Stars Girl

You know I am listening to the song by Tank called "Stars Girl".  He talks about how he ran into a chick that chose to live the life of being a groupie.  Here is an excerpt of the lyrics...

 

Don't act like you ain't seen the videos
Don't act like you ain’t heard the songs
Don't act like you change, you ain't different hoe
Motives still all wrong

Always felt attracted to the paper
Attracted to the goons....the hustlers and the shakers
Rappers couple singers....some Dodgers and some Lakers
Yeah, everybody knows you by name
You're a stars girl
You go with a few but you're good at what you do
You’re a stars girl
Always on the scene different camera every week
You’re a stars girl, yeah
And I can't front on how you look
The way you work it got me shook as a stars girl...stars girl
You fine girl...not a wife girl...but a stars girl

 

I had to rewind it a couple of times just to make sure.  The last line got me..not a wife girl but a stars girl.  

 

There are women out there that made their name in that manner (eg. Karrine Steffans..lying ho).  They began running with the crowd that allowed them to become popular and famous because they are on the arm of a baller.  At the same time, they are comfortable with being someone's ho for a few minutes until they find someone better.   But in the end, she will not be someone's wife, but just a ho to the stars.  

 

I'm sorry.  I would rather be a wife girl any day than a stars girl.

In the Beginning....

(paraphrased from Tank)
I can see the pain in the first ten page
Surrounded by a whole lot of hate
Surrounded by a whole lot of killers
Better than friends cause at least they realer
The streets became a real good friend
That’s how we got sex love and pain
And now we're up to now or never I’m be f-cking with the streets forever
Cause they pay when you wouldn't pay, had to hustle but we made a way
We made it fifty cause we're tailor made, straight from the pages of a diary of a mad woman
Too much power in the words on the pages in my hands
Come and read the diary of a mad woman
Too much power in the words on the pages in my hands